The markets just closed and your day trading has once again gone well. You wisely chose to short everything just in time, so when the market took another tumble you raked in the dough. The Ferrari sits in its heated garage, clean and waxed. The hot tub begins to bubble a few doors down from the guest quarters. Your smart TV displays the internet in perfect high definition glory—it’s time for the rich guy to go gun shopping.
Knight’s Armament SR-25
Colonel Townsend Whelen liked to say, “Only accurate rifles are interesting.” The problem with most semi-automatic .308 Winchester caliber rifles is that they just aren’t as accurate as a bolt action gun shooting the same cartridge. Sure, you get 20 shots instead of 5, and you don’t have to work the bolt between each one, but oh dear, suddenly what should have been a precision rifle is less than precise. The solution? A rifle made with exacting tolerances, using the very best of components, and assembled with impeccable attention to detail in an optimized configuration. The Knight’s SR-25 was the basis for the U.S. military’s M110 (Army) and Mk11 Mod 0 (Navy) sniper rifles. However, this latest model has features even the military guns don’t have yet, such as its dimpled barrel. Fluted barrels are so 2009, don’t you agree? With match grade ammunition, the SR-25 is capable of consistent .5 MOA accuracy. This means you’ll no longer have to work a bolt between making headshots on terrorists at 600 yards. Isn’t that worth $4,500?
HK Mark 23
In the 1990s, the government asked Heckler and Koch to build a handgun that was so awesome it could be used as a primary or “offensive” weapon by special forces soldiers. HK responded that although this was a silly thing to ask for, they could build such an awesome gun, if the government was willing to pay nearly a couple grand for each one. They created the Mark 23, a .45acp monster not a whole lot smaller than a submachine gun, capable of incredible accuracy, durability, and reliability. The 5.87-inch long barrel uses polygonal rifling, is threaded for a silencer, and features an O-ring that holds it perfectly in place inside the slide. HK’s proprietary Hostile Environment finish coats the one-piece machined steel slide, and the magazines hold 12 rounds. Unlike the USP series, the decocker and safety are separate, and the Mark 23 can be safely carried “cocked and locked” like the world’s largest 1911. HK delivered a bunch of these pistols to SOCOM, who weren’t quite sure what to do with them until a few years later. Suddenly, our special forces needed to clear tiny, cramped caves in Afghanistan, caves so small that they needed a pistol, not a rifle, to take inside. The rest is history.
Browning Citori
At the sporting clays range it is simply uncouth to be seen with anything less than a Browning Citori. The Grade VII “Lightning” over and under will turn heads with its high-polished blued finish, gold-inlaid engraving (pheasants on the left, ducks on the right), and 26-inch long vent rib twin barrels with screw-in Invector Plus chokes. Of course, the finely checkered walnut stock is flawlessly finished to a high gloss, did I even need to mention that? The Citori’s action is hand-fitted, and its ejectors are selective, so empty hulls will eject clear of the gun, while unfired shells will present themselves perfectly to be plucked from the barrels’ chrome-plated chambers. A single gold-plated trigger fires both barrels, and the safety also functions as a barrel selector so the discriminating sportsman can choose which barrel fires first. Of course, this Citori is chambered for 28 gauge, so you can bust birds all day without having a sore shoulder later. Twelve gauge shotguns are so brutish by comparison, don’t you agree?
CZ 550 Safari Classic .505 Gibbs
In 1911 a gentleman named George Gibbs wanted to go hunt dangerous African game, and presumably believed a half-inch wide bullet was just a good starting point. The CZ 550 Safari Classic in .505 Gibbs isn’t a big game rifle so much as a horizontal launch pad with a 25” hammer forged barrel. In 3, 2, 1, we have lift off as a 600 grain bullet comes screaming out the barrel at over 2,000 feet per second. Despite its large size, the Safari Classic only holds 3 of the massive rounds, but each of them is capable of smashing elephants, cape buffalo, and rhinos (not the endangered ones, of course). The .505 Gibbs is famous for being featured in an Ernest Hemingway novel, so you know its pedigree is second to none. The Safari Classic’s Turkish walnut receiver is cut in the traditional safari shape, and the barreled action it encloses is gloss blued. A mercury-filled recoil reduction device sits in the stock in front of a very generous recoil pad, but recoil is still in the 160 ft/lbs range (think sledgehammer—got the idea?). Of course, when staring at an elephant that has just realized you’re the one who shot it, you may want that second and third round of ammunition, no matter the recoil!
Performance Center 327
Every rich guy needs a concealed carry gun. When a carjacker demands “your Ferrari or your life,” you won’t have time to explain what the “Siempre Ferrari” logo on your key fob really means. Better to respond with actions, not words. The S&W Performance Center 327 revolver redefines “snub nose” with its 2-inch barrel, and accuracy is still assured because that barrel came from Lothar-Walther, featuring polished button rifling. What looks like the barrel is actually just a carefully tensioned barrel shroud. It and the cylinder are grey because they are titanium, while the large frame is made of Scandium. Steel is so twentieth century. If any nim-wit compliments you on your nice “six-shooter,” you can loudly correct him in front of everybody, because this model holds no less than eight rounds of .357 +P ammunition. Ha! Miculek-style wood grips ensures your hand is comfortable. When reloading, you can either insert fresh rounds by hand or use the included moon clips to speed load. The adjustable overtravel stop behind the trigger gives a hint that this 327 received a Performance Center trigger job. And the best part is, at a price of only $967, a rich guy can afford one for each hand!
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