Ok! Let’s go!
See? I’m totally a poet and didn’t even know it. Shooting the AR is that easy. Plus “ping-pong paddle” is just fun to say. You are either Team Shotgun or Team AR-15 and I don’t really get Team Shotgun. I mean, c’mon, who would choose 5 rounds over 30 rounds, or 100 rounds if you have a drum? Plus the .223/5.56 round has way proven itself in eliminating insurgents and scourges of the zombie persuasion are no different. Seriously? Who goes into battle with a shotgun? For real though, the zombie apocalypse is gonna be a battle and you need a proven battle rifle to fight the good fight. That’s why you need an AR-15. But see, now I’m just rambling and I need to tell you about this Bushmaster M4A3 rifle, so let’s get to it. It has all the Magpul Original Equipment (MOE), which I can vouch for. And I know you trust my opinion, right? So, anyway… it has a 16-inch M4 profile barrel with an A2 birdcage flash hider and is chrome-lined for accuracy. It also has a Picatinny rail to add night vision and other optics. It holds 30 rounds of .223 Remington ammo and comes in a Flat Dark Earth finish. FDE is the new pink, you know.
Ask almost anyone what the three most important zombie-slaying weapons are and most likely you will hear, “shotgun, big-ass knife, and a chainsaw.” At some point, some writer somewhere decided that the chainsaw makes an excellent, albeit gory, weapon and it has been popular ever since. As far as shotguns go, I can’t seem to think of a better one for zombie killin’ purposes than the Mossberg 500. Mossberg says that the Chainsaw is for home defense because shotguns are “notoriously hard to control while firing, a problem that Mossberg has solved by attaching a wraparound chainsaw-style handgrip to the pump,” but really… I think Mossberg had more of the undead in mind when developing the Chainsaw, rather than home invaders. It’s designed to be shot from the hip, which makes you look a lot tougher and cooler than you are when you’re spraying down a bunch of slow-walkers. The Mossberg 500 Chainsaw also has a standoff barrel with a door breaching muzzle brake to… well… breach doors… or to slam in the biting mouth of a zombie. The Chainsaw has all the standard features of the Mossberg 500 Special Purpose pump-action shotguns, such as an 18.5-inch barrel, 3-inch chamber, 5-round capacity, a synthetic pistol grip stock and a black finish.
Oh man, this guy has SBR written all over it, does it not? Well, it’s not an SBR quite yet. But you should probably get one before it is. D.S. Arms, Inc., is an American company that makes, and I mean completely fabricates, the FN FAL 7.62mm rifle. And this bad boy is the pistol version of the FAL rifle. The .308 cartridge is an excellent round for long-range zombie killing. I get nervous when they get too close. At 21” long and weighing in at 9.25 pounds, the D.S. Arms SA58 tactical pistol doesn’t take up too much space, or become burdensome. Put a sling on it (included with the pistol), throw it over your shoulder and your good to go. The DS Arms SA58 tactical pistol has an 8.25-inch barrel with A2 flash hider, sand-cut bolt carrier, lightweight aluminum lower, SAW pistol grip, adjustable sights, and holds 25 rounds.
This model has the type 1 receiver, which means you can’t attach a carry handle to it, but that’s okay. I don’t really see why you need a carry handle on this gun anyway. D.S. Arms says, “all the same great features of the FAL rifle only now in pistol form.” (!) wow.
You are gonna need a rifle dedicated to sniping. Trust me on this one. And I can’t think of a better sniper rifle than the Barrett. Barrett’s press release on the .416 Barrett cartridge says, “the new .416 Barrett cartridge is a result of the request for a medium/heavy sniper rifle/cartridge combination that was issued from Crane Naval Surface Warfare Center in late 2004.” Based on the .50 BMG, it has a shortened case and is necked down. Barrett also claims that the .416 Barrett outperforms the .50 BMG at long-range. The .416 Barrett is also legal in “Commiefornia” and seeing as the zombie apocalypse will be spread nation-wide, the Californians will need sniper rifles, too. The Barrett Model 99 is a single-shot, bolt-action rifle with a 29-inch barrel and an overall length of 47-inches. It has just a few moving parts and is easy to disassemble (without tools, no less), so you have a reliable, accurate, and easy to maintain rifle, which is imperative for when the time comes to start slaying the zombies.
One thing is for certain: the revolver goes bang every time. I strongly recommend keeping a revolver for back up. With a .44 Magnum, you KNOW that zombie is goin’ down. Not only will it kill zombies, but the .44 Magnum will also take down any game you need to feed yourself and other survivors. I’ve never shot a .44 Magnum. I’ve held one though. CTD Chris has one. When I saw it, I said, “Oh. I don’t think I’d want to shoot that.” But I’m a girl, so I can say that without looking like too much of a wuss. But I bet you big, tough dudes would have no problem. If I found myself in a pickle, though, you bet I could empty this sucka real quick like. The Taurus Model 44 has a 6.5-inch vent rib barrel that helps with recoil and it holds six rounds. It has a large steel frame with black, soft rubber grips.