Camping & Survival

Duke’s Christmas Wish List—Peace On Earth, ‘Cept Fer Zombies

KA-BAR Zombie Chop Stick fixed knife with a 9" plain blade.

Hey y’all, your old pal Duke is still alive and kickin’! Know what my favorite thing about Christmas time here in the post-apocalyptic wasteland? Zombies slow down a bit when it’s cold, and sometimes freeze solid! Then us survivors can get together, when we can find each other, and relax just a little bit. Take a little time to think about how the heck we’re gonna rebuild the world. If Duke has anything to do with makin’ the new post-zombie society, I’ll do my best to make sure Christmas is a big deal. Christmas always was my favorite time of year, because it seemed like people tried extra hard to be decent to each other, like they should’ve been behavin’ all the time. Plus there was pie and a lot of chocolate. Now that the zombies have come and ginger snap cookies are all gone, I reckon it’s more important than ever for the people (you know, the ones who are still people) of the world to spread some peace and goodwill to each other. And presents! If I find any of this stuff while I’m scavenging, I’m gonna be my own secret Santa this year, har har!

Ka-Bar Noggin Chopper

Ka-Bar Kukri
This Ka-Bar “Kukri” keeps yer hand away from zombie teeth

I’m truly sorry to say that I lost my beloved Ka-Bar a while back. Somewhere out there in the wasteland right now lurches a zombie with my old knife stuck halfway in his neck. It came right off my makeshift spear, and boy did I have his full and undivided attention! If I hadn’t snatched my hand back just in time he would’ve bitten it clean off, so I reckoned he needed that Ka-Bar more than I did. I switched to Plan B (run for your life). Anyhow, I want my next knife to be a Ka-Bar too, and I’m done with spears. Ka-Bar made some Kukri style machetes back in the day with blades nearly a foot long, and curved forward. That’s plenty of reach between my hand and those zombie noggins, and the blades were made from 1085 carbon steel, so it’ll hold an edge nicely. I hope I find one soon, it doesn’t feel right to be without a big knife.

Do You See What I See?

Bushnell Powerview
Ain’t too big, ain’t too heavy. Real bright and sharp.

Binoculars are a necessary evil in the wasteland. Surviving means lookin’ at stuff from far away. Looking for survivors, looking for damn zombies, looking for a good place to hole up for the night. Always looking. I’ve come across some binoculars that were sharp and clear and had a lot of zoom, but they were bulky and heavy. I got tired of their straps tugging at my neck and bouncing around during those Plan B times. So I learned pretty quickly to stick with lightweight binoculars, which use a different design called a roof prism so they can be more compact. The problem is, roof prism binoculars aren’t as bright, and don’t have that much magnification. Darn it all, I wish I could find a Bushnell Powerview Compact. It’s small and light but it’s still a Porro prism design, like the big ones. It zooms from 7x to 15x so there’s plenty of magnification. Their glass is supposed to be really clear, but I haven’t come across a pair of these Bushnells yet to see for myself. Get it? “See” the binoculars for myself? Hey when you’re eating awful food, killing zombies for weeks on end and usually all alone, you get a chuckle wherever you can.

I Fell Into A Burning Ring Of Fire

Wet Fire Cubes
Is this some kinda magic trick fer kids? How’d ya do that?

Staying warm in the wasteland means starting a lot of fires. I still have my old Blastmatch one-handed spark maker thing, so I can make good sparks anytime I like. But oftentimes the stuff I’m trying to burn is damp. If I can get a small fire started, it can burn the moisture off the damp stuff and catch it on fire soon too. There’s no shortage of wood to burn, there’s always furniture that can be smashed up and stuff like that even in the built-up city areas. What I run short of is tinder, the stuff to start the fire with. Newspapers, magazines and the like work fine unless they’re wet. Well at this point there’s no such thing as a gas station with windows that ain’t been smashed in, so if it’s raining, all that stuff is wet. What I need is some of those old “WetFire” cube tablet things that would light every time and burn like crazy even when soakin’ wet. They used to say this stuff actually burned for longer when it was wet, at 1300 degrees. What the heck, how does that work?

CZ Makes Huntin’ Zombies Easy

CZ SP-01
Nineteen rounds of 9mm. Nineteen felled Zombies. No plan B.

Now of course your old pal Duke always has some guns on his wish list. With the zombies slowed down by the cold there’s less need for firearms, if you’re smart and quick you can dispatch ‘em without using up ammo, which is getting more scarce all the time. Now ya’ll know I’m partial to Glocks, but there’s a CZ I keep hoping I run across, the SP-01. These all-steel beauties have all the bells and whistles like a light mount, corrosion-resistant finish, big sights, and an extended beavertail to keep the hammer from biting yer hand. But my favorite thing about ‘em is that the standard SP-01 magazine holds 18 shots. I’ve put down more zombies than anyone will ever know, so I don’t miss the mark very much anymore. But every now and again I’ll be scrounging in a mall or something, open up a door, and find my room of full of 40 or 50 zombies that have been stuck in there since Z-day. It’s like opening a huge can of hungry man-eating stink. A reliable pistol with some high-capacity magazines means the difference between “die you zombies, die” and having to go to Plan B again. I hate Plan B. I love a good pistol.

Wherever you are, I hope you spend your Christmas holiday alive and not dead or undead. Don’t slow up on the grisly business at hand—the zombie you leave alone today ‘cause he’s frozen still or too slow to be threat, well he might eat ya or someone else in another few months. So take just a little extra time to bring everlasting peace to that poor undead monster, and bash his head in with a shovel or something. If we keep going, maybe by next Christmas we won’t have to worry about zombies much at all and us survivors can do secret Santas for real next time!

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