Every year on Christmas Eve night, my house gets broken into by some fat guy in a red suit! I’m not sure exactly how he’s getting in, but I hear what sounds like hoofbeats on my rooftop. There is black soot tracked all over the living room as well. The stuff takes hours to vacuum out of the carpet. He even has the nerve to steal the milk and cookies I have with my morning coffee. This obese home invader always leaves his crap under my Christmas tree, and he fills my fireplace stockings with his heart attack-inducing candy and treats. I think he’s trying to poison me. I’m not foolish enough to actually eat any of that stuff you know. So how do I plan to protect my home against this red suited menace? Oh, I have a few ideas.
I’m no lawyer, but I bet it would help me if I caught this caper on camera. Moultrie ReAction Camera is perfect for shooting high-resolution hunting video or 5-megapixel still shots to add more than big-game memories—big game like fat guys who break into your house. The SD card slot allows me to play my video on the computer or HDTV, to show the courts that this guy had it coming.
The U.S. Army was kind enough to supply us with the field manual FM 5-31, titled Boobytraps! I’m going to transform my house into a deadly version of a Macaulay Culkin Christmas movie. He’ll be lucky to get past the pongee stick deadfall, tripwires, and spiked pendulum swinging from my wife’s chandelier.
I want to be there when he gets what is coming to him, but I don’t want him to see me, so I’m decking myself out in Multicam and hiding behind my wife’s ficus tree. She keeps telling me I’m crazy for chasing this poor bastard, but I know better! To cover my face I’m applying a healthy coat of camouflage face paint. He won’t see me coming. I just have to remember to stay perfectly still so I can get the drop on this guy.
If this chubby prowler gets past the boobytraps, I’ll have to resort to extreme measures. For home defense perfection, there are several options. My first choice is going to have to be an AR-15. I’ll try to take the jolly bandit down from a distance. Nothing says you aren’t welcome like 30 rounds of .223 traveling at a high rate of speed. If things start to get up-close and personal, I’m going for the shotgun, a Mossberg 590 to be exact. There is nothing like a few rounds of 00 buckshot to stop an assailant in his tracks. The 12 gauge puts at bunch of killing power downrange and with extreme prejudice. The only problem with a shotgun, is magazine capacity is somewhat lacking. When the long guns are empty, I’ve got my Glock 19 for point blank work. This guy won’t get away this year, I just know it! I wonder what my wife is going to do with all that candy in the grocery bag?